(He sighs deeply, resting his chin as much as the wooden board allows.)
Do you think they can hear me? New Phil. Melissa. Todd. Todd used to be my best friend. Now he looks at me like I’m a piece of expired cheese. And honestly, I don't blame him. I was a jerk. A Grade-A, certified, grass-fed turkey jerk.
(The scene is pitch black. The sound of crickets and crashing ocean waves fills the background. A tight spotlight illuminates a wooden stockade. Tandy's head and hands are locked in place. Around his neck is a glowing shock collar. He is sweaty, exhausted, and desperately trying to maintain his trademark false optimism.)
Citronella spray and electricity. A true sensory experience. Who needs five-star spas when you can have high-voltage shock therapy on a beach in Malibu? It's all about trust, guys! I get it! I really, truly do. (He looks up at the stars, his voice softening.)
(He looks off to the side, his eyes suddenly catching a flick of light. He blinks, focusing.)